Woooahhhh Nelly

Yea, So I didn't know what to call this one.  Its an old saying that the horse is going too fast and its time to slow down.  Kinda feels bout like me right now.  Today was an anxious kind of day, making travel plans, calling apartment complexes, talking to the school, building my resume, cooking, cleaning, and not working out like I should be doing to relieve some of this stress.  Theres some things that I must understand more completely.  When something is making you feel overwhelmed, stress, and anxiety, you must go to the root of the source. My stems from some fear but thats not it for me, somehow through everything ive found a way to filter that in a positive way, it took me a long way to get here on that and still i have my days.  But for right now, Its an i simply cannot fail and i simply cannot stand without God right next to me. period. i cant fail.  there are times when i feel i need to quiet myself and withdraw.  Its not because im ignoring everyone around me, but its that i must mark my steps, and know fully that there is this mighty God behind me.  Ive done it so many times on my own, trying to take matters into my own hands, and everything just ends up discombobulated.  Yes. that word if it is even one just came out a grad students mouth.  I just have tooooo much riding on all the decisions i make, like three precious little lives that God entrusted to me to care for, nurture, and grow.  Some days it gets overwhleming and as I write tears flood my eyes.  Yes the struggle with single mother hood.  no this isnt one those pity parties, theres millions of woman out there toughening up their skin and pushing through just like me, im no different than any of em.  These are just true genuine words from my heart right now because i just went through an experience I probably will always remember.

Im at this crossroads.  Ive gotten everything turned into Full Sail Univeristy except one thing, this resume.  I started and stopped, started and stopped, started and sighed and shut the computer.  This one time in my life i nearly humbled myself like i never have before and fell  on my knees in prayer, with just this struggle.  i cant do this without Him.  flashes of my last 6 years went through my mind while.l...
 and i realized that I lived in a lot of shamefullness.  I hung my head from a lot of mistakes I had made, I secluded myself alot from many good strong healthy relationships that could have built, friendships, strong bonds because i was just too afraid to let anyone in.  my innest soul right now needs to feel like i belong.  everywhere i turned, id get through and get by but it was almost like i was living from outside my own body watching myself.  But i dug down to the deepest part of who i was and pushed through and got these degrees despite divorce, court situations, crazy military stuff, and hurt.  no this isnt about me.  Its NOT about being prideful and how much i want you to think of me cuz i could care less.

 I realized that life is not about me.  it doesnt matter what i do, how much i promote myself make rank, anything, i could have all those things and still feel completely empty.  its about loving others.  quietly loving.  even when you know no ones lookin' thats the best time.  the Bible talks bout the heathens whom pray out in the open and moanings/groanings to ensure others are watching.  we need to continuely humble ourselves everyday.  we all were blessed with talents, skills, and abilities that are special for each us.  i think we all get wrapped up so much in trying to be what everyone else is, that we forget or neglect the true person inside we are.  Most time, ive seen it with woman whom divorce, they are all seeking who they really are, trying new things, art, design, dancing, instrumental lessons, etc.  thats cuz we never got to discover who we were prior to being married and once your free of that, we try to fill this void in us.  we cant be satisfied with just being.  we have to be busy all the time, have to be going here/being the next one to have done the most crazy thing,etc.  we need to still ourselves and grow from the inside out.  let the waves be the waves, there comes a day when the stillness breaks in the water and He makes all things new, in their time.  TIME.  thats the key.  we have to allow ourselves that time.  feel the pain, or any other emotion thats attached and let it be.  theres nothing wrong with discovering ourselves.  absolutely not.  we all deserve the best travels, the best of everything, but let us not forget where we came from and who we are.  theres someone out there that needs you.  needs to hear of your experiences and feelings/emotions so that they can get through their heavy times in life.  if we just ignore everything, put our wall up, on to the next one attitude all the time, what was the journey for??????

Okay, none of this was intended to come out this way.  I really just meant to get the feelings I have out.  So let me continue.  After my prayers and surrender I was reminded gently of this time God spoke to me.  He tends to speak to me when either im going into the REM part of sleep or just coming out of  it, its weird.  Its probably much different from anyone else, but its like this as matter of fact thing that I can't shake.  One day last week I couldnt stop thinking of this verse that stated "I have plans for you to prosper" and how He desires to give us exceedingly abundantly more than we ever ask.  I didnt know the exact verse but it just kept going through my head, and I was just kept saying ya, i know yep, thats what you say in the Bible, but never thought deeper in how to apply this message.  and as I was coming out of that REM sleep, God showed me what He had in store for me.  I was going to be a CEO one day and I was going to sing.  period.            i kept thinking, for ME God?  me? you'd do that for me?  I really have what it takes to make that happen?

  So here it is.  Change of plans.  Im going for my Phd.  Im going to believe in myself and im going to rise and stand with God cuz we r gonna move mountains together.  Im going to go into these third world countries and help supply the poor with food, water, etc. yes there is tons of foundations doing that.  but STrategy.  We've got it.  Ill let him take care of the rest. for now.  ive worked so so hard. i need rest. ive got a receeding hairline and needless to say, I dont feel like I've taken as good care of my body as I should be. I need to nurse myself back to health, quiet myself, and let Him do the talking.  Til next time.

Love, peace, joy and all the happiness i could surely give through this mesg.
  They say knowlege is power, but it isnt unless its applied.

Dawn Marie